The exhausting art of femininity

When I was a child, a fortune-teller on the Marina beach told me that I was meant to be a man but was born a woman. Maybe it was because of my acne. Maybe it was because of the faint moustache on my upper lip. Maybe because it was the way I jutted out my chin. Maybe it was just something she told people at random. Nobody took what she said seriously, but I recalled her words often while growing up. 

Because I found it exhausting to be feminine. 

The number one attribute of a feminine woman is that she has boundless energy. She is always positive, never complains, dresses colourfully, laughs a lot (but not loudly) and exults in the simple joys of life. If you give her a bowl of ice cream, she won't just slump on the sofa and eat it while staring mindlessly at the TV. She will squeal with delight, thank you for it, tell you that it's her favourite flavour, relish each spoon and lick the bowl clean. She may also pout and ask for more. Personally, I don't hate this woman. I wish I had someone like her in my life. A cheerleader who is enthusiastic about everything around her, including me. Chirpy, chirpy, chirpy. A little birdie on the shoulder. 

For the record, I have tried to be this woman. In my teen years, when I was figuring out womanhood, I took my lessons from cinema. I was frequently Manisha Koirala from Bombay, wrapping a dupatta over my head and twirling in my bedroom, singing 'Kannalane' with KS Chitra. In the tradition of cinema love, I tried to look extra-surprised, extra-happy, extra-excited, extra-eager when there were interesting boys around me. It was an approved method of attention-seeking then and it is even more so now. I observe it whenever I see mixed gender groups in malls, restaurants, theatres. I see the 'feminine' girl of the group, the one who thinks she's the cutest of the lot, trying so hard to be that cheerleader person. I want to take her aside and tell her that it's not worth it. It will get boring after a while. Or you will need to be attached to a permanent glucose bottle if you want to keep this up. Maybe I've just grown into a judgmental aunty who should, ideally, focus on her feet instead of eavesdropping on youth conversations. Who knows.

Another aspect of being feminine is that you have to be constantly at war with your body. You should have lush hair on the head and perfectly shaped thick eyebrows, but you should not have hair anywhere else. You have to smell beautiful all the time, like you live in a bakery. You have to think of yourself as a building too. You need regular mending and maintenance. You cannot eat carbs or desserts without feeling enormously guilty or the building will start to fall apart. You have to wear uncomfortable shoes. Shoes were made for people to walk in, to protect their feet. But in these shoes, you can only take a few steps without needing to sit down because they hurt like a bitch. You can tell yourself that they make you feel powerful though. 

The feminine woman cannot have a head on her shoulders (except for keratin treatment and hair spas). Being ignorant is a sign of femininity, and you can never let it be known that you can absorb and process information. You are more about the uterus and its associated hysteria than the reasoning ability of the brain. This is why women are constantly clubbed with children. We are round-eyed and innocent. Half-witted and full-enthusiastic about it.

You cannot have strong opinions about anything. The more helpless you are, the more appealing is your femininity. I won't say that this is utterly useless if you are aware of how to exercise it. I used to act the damsel-in-distress with Chennai auto drivers just so they'd take pity on me and take me where I wanted to go instead of where they wanted to go, as is their practice. 

When you grow older though, you have to put in more and more effort into staying feminine. You have more responsibilities in life, and it is difficult to act cheerful all day when so little of your time is your own. It's easier to grimace than smile, but by then, you've forgotten how to say that you're exhausted without offending anyone. You worry that something is wrong with you for thinking these ‘negative’ thoughts.

When you've spent all your life acting like you don't know anything, others take charge of it and run it for you. You get tired of it at some point but by then, it's too difficult to change course. You are married to a man who insists on keeping your boarding pass with him because he doesn't trust you to keep it safe. You are that person being shepherded from one counter to another because you're too stupid to figure it out for yourself. You get used to not making any decisions. 

Suddenly, at the supermarket, when the impatient sales girl asks you if you want to pay extra for a plastic bag, you half-nod yes and half-nod no. You are grateful yet irritated when your husband leans over and answers on your behalf. 

Femininity is a less-than state of being human and it demands so much energy from you that you have to be a more-than human being to accomplish it. It is tiring and it's no wonder that most women over 30 are tired. They say so only on anonymous posts in Facebook women's groups or to their girlfriends though. In real life, they're walking around with glazed smiles on their faces. 

So, am I saying that the fortune-teller was really some Macbethian witch? Nope. Because somewhere along the way, I figured out that you don't have to be feminine to be a woman (perhaps owing to the fact that it’s cheaper and less time consuming), and you don't have to be a man to be human. You may not be liked as much by others but chances are that you will like yourself more - which is way more important. You can be grumpy while eating ice cream. You don't have to be extra anything. The sooner you do it, the less shocked and more accepting people around you will be. You're allowed to be exhausted. You're allowed to be bored. You're allowed to have opinions. You're allowed to be unpleasant. You're allowed to eat. You're allowed to make your own decisions. You're allowed to say what you want without needing the anonymity of an internet forum.

You're allowed to kill the birdie on your shoulder.